I had my scans today and sadly they weren’t as good as I had hoped. The tumors in my lymphnodes and in liver have grown further, being actually even bigger then their original size from March 2011. They haven’t been treated since the 11th May this year ,when the brain tumors were diagnosed. The treatment had to be changed and the brain treated first. You can’t do both at the same time.
I was hoping through my anti-oxidant-diet and detox it might have an impact on the cancer but so far it hasn’t, or it is difficult to prove. However I’ve been feeling rather well ever since. I get the odd day where I don’t feel well but it still is rare. My oncologist said I should keep it up, but we have to respond to the cancer rather quickly, it just shows how aggressive it is. So for now I will start with the chemotherapy Xeloda, from tomorrow morning onwards, 8 tablets a day for two weeks, then a week break and then the 2nd cycle starts. We are still hoping for an approval from the Medical aid for Lapatinib which is more targeted and would be “added” to the chemo. This will hopefully happen within the next two weeks, but I will have to follow up with the Medical aid regularly. If it won’t get approved we have to consider paying it ourselves or to go for the “red bull” one. As I am taking things step by step I will make the decision closer to the time.
You might all ask, how do you feel now, Helen? Well, rather crappy. I just don’t feel like doing it all over and over again, but I do not have any other choice. When she showed me the list of side effects I thought….”not again”… but at the same time all of them ( vomiting, nausea, skin rashes, diarrohea, fever, appetite loss, chest pain, mouth sores) didn’t occur to me during my last 2 chemotherapies. So I hope and pray they won’t do this time either. Dr. Pienaar always gives me and my family a positive and peaceful mind about the progress ahead, which helps a lot. But my hair started falling out yesterday and that makes me pretty sad too. I am just sick and tired of going through it again. I know it will grow back, and I know you get nice hats, and I also know no hair and short hair suited me quite well. But I am so happy the way my hair has grown, and now to start from the beginning…. I just had enough. And you will always relate your hair to the cancer obviously, so it is different to if you wanted it to be like that.
But that’s the way it is right now, and it doesn’t help to get upset about it. I accept that this is the path He has given to me and I know He will get me through it. I do not want to put any stress on myself, rather accept it and look forward and go ahead. I let the bad times happen, feel down, sad, upset, angry and frustrated but luckily the wonderful moments still dominate and life shows me it is so worthwhile fighting for. I am reading and chatting a lot with cancer survivors at the moment and it is amazing to see how people live with it and have overcome the dis-ease! It inspires me and keeps me going and I thrive in it.
I want to make my blog a bit more interesting and was also thinking of writing a book. I will have to get in contact with a publisher. Going through all these emotions (re-)capturing these times that i have experienced and those which are still coming up, will help me a lot to keep up the strenght and fighting spirit I carry.
So I am still “the harder the better”, that is for sure!